HONORS
FEATURE: Next Avenue — Defeating Stereotypes With Speed Dating
A 2014 FILM CALLED ‘THE AGE OF LOVE‘ CONTINUES ITS WORK CREATING A NATIONAL GRASSROOTS CAMPAIGN TO BRING ATTENTION TO STEREOTYPES ABOUT THE HEARTS AND DESIRES OF OLDER ADULTS
“Getting old is the second biggest surprise of my life, but the first, by a mile, is our increasing need for deep attachment and intimate love,” wrote 93-year-old Hall of Famer and sportswriter Roger Angell in a famous 2014 essay that appeared in the New Yorker.
It’s a profoundly true statement that resonates with many of us who are divorced, widowed or unpartnered and still hoping to meet that special someone. Being a mature adult doesn’t mean that we can’t still enjoy the fun, exciting, albeit sometimes nerve wracking, feelings that go along with dating and mating.
I recently attended a New York City screening of “The Age of Love,” originally released in 2014, coincidentally sitting next to producer and director Steven Loring. Charmingly funny and poignant, the documentary, which has been screened over 800 times in 14 countries worldwide, chronicles the experience of thirty people, ages 70-90, who attended a speed dating event in upstate New York. All the participants were hoping to meet someone to like or love, a “let’s go out to lunch” friend or partner, or a companion to fill the empty spaces left by a departed spouse.
We see the attendees primping before the event, chatting with each potential heartthrob during the allotted five minutes, and filling out checklists after the event to let the organizers know who they’d like to connect with in the future. We then see them waiting to be informed if they are one of the lucky ones who’ll be going out on a “date” with one or more of the people they selected, who also expressed an interest in spending time with them.
Loring had the idea for the film after his widowed mother tearfully lamented, “Who will ever hold me or hug me again in all the years I have left?” Reading a news story about a speed dating event held in a senior center in Colorado, Loring began searching for a similar event still in the planning stage where organizers would be open to having a filmmaker involved.
‘I’m Invisible to the World’
The event shown in his film took place in upstate New York and was sponsored by two healthy aging organizations and two senior living communities. Unsure if prospective attendees who signed up would be willing to be interviewed and filmed, he nevertheless contacted them and found they were all delighted to talk with him.
One woman said, “I’m 74 years old and my children love me, but, in all the years I’ve been alone, even they have never asked what’s in my heart. As far as my emotional life, I’m invisible to the world. So why wouldn’t I want to talk to you? Bring your camera and come on over.”
At that point, Loring told me, “I realized that a film looking honestly at how our society views aging and love could positively impact so many older adults’ lives.” He recognized that he had some ageist stereotypes of his own, such as believing that “many would be embarrassed to tell their friends or children that they were attending a speed dating event, and that they certainly wouldn’t want to expose their hearts or faces on movie screens around the world.”
After shooting about 168 hours of film, which were winnowed down into a 77-minute movie, Loring was amazed at how rich and emotional and wide-ranging the participants’ lives were, and how many compelling stories they told. At showings around the country, he found that “the film not only speaks to older adults – who express excitement hearing people their age speak honestly about love and intimacy – but it also excites middle-aged and younger viewers who watch, amazed, as people their parents’ and grandparents’ age deal with desire, attraction and new relationships.”
He noted that, “Whether screening at an upscale retirement community or an inner-city senior center, for an LGBTQ+ group or church or synagogue, at a high school or college or urban multiplex, audiences laugh and cry in the same places and ask the same questions afterward.”
Loring says, “As the world’s 70+ population skyrockets, the film’s focus on defeating stereotypes of the older heart increasingly hits a nerve. And I’ve seen how a screening followed by a local senior speed dating event can break barriers and start multi-generational conversations that truly change lives.”
On the day I was there, as the film was just ending, a woman in the audience shrieked “Oh, no, my hearing aid fell out!” and two of us scrambled to help her find it. Someone reached out a hand to assist me in getting up off the floor. It was an illustrative moment that captured some of the essence of being a mature person whose monthly income might come from Social Security or a pension rather than from a job or financial aid from a college. Dating at seventy or eighty is certainly a different experience than when you were young (remember that first kiss? The first time you let him “cop a feel?” Deciding if and when “to go all the way?” Ah, to be seventeen again . . .)
Tips and Tricks for Speed Dating
Paul Aaron Travis, a certified sexologist and sex educator, refers to himself as Chief Authintimacy Officer of the School for Love which “honors the multiple dimensions of love over age 40.” According to Travis, these include agape (universal compassion), philia (friendship), eros (romantic love) and storge (familial love.)
Having attended numerous speed dating events himself in the 13 years since his divorce (with variable results), Travis has found that it’s important to let go of rigid “requirement lists” and to be open to meeting people who in the past you might not necessarily have been drawn to. He encourages people to cultivate Authintimacy, which he defines as “a symbiosis of projecting authenticity to others while incrementally developing trust to allow others in (“into-me-see”). He says that honoring and accepting yourself is a crucial part of opening up and sharing yourself with others.
Websites like Meetup, Eventbrite, Pre-Dating.com and Senior Match list upcoming events throughout the country, divided by age range. Google “senior speed dating” and you’ll find many sites giving tips on “how to succeed” such as:
• Dress to impress but also let your clothing choices express a real sense of your style and personality (boho-chic, preppy, minimalist, formal or elegant).
• If you become anxious in social situations, come prepared with conversation starters.
• In the five-to-eight minute slots usually allocated for conversation before moving on to the next individual, don’t dwell on past relationships, illnesses or disappointments in your life. “Exude positive energy,” one event organizer suggests.
• Be a good listener but don’t quiz the other person. Aim for a good balance between learning about who you’re chatting with and letting them get an idea of who you are.
According to their website, “The Age of Love” continues its work creating a national grassroots campaign to bring attention to stereotypes about the hearts and desires of older adults, sending a strong message to local and national media that the need to be seen and understood by a companion is universal, regardless of age.
Through 2026, a screening of “The Age of Love” can be booked for your local theater, senior center, librtary, corporation or other organizations, and help is available to organize a local Senior Speed Dating or Speed Friendship event. Promotional materials and a 35-page screening and discussion guide are available, and the filmmakers are available to attend the event in person or on Zoom.
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